What can I do but be humble
And understand what isn’t mine?
Tell me on your way down
That everything is going to be fine….
From here on out.

Lie to me to make you feel better,
Get me to say what you’ve been meaning to say.
‘Cause no matter what I do
I can’t keep you
From slipping away.

We draw near
Two universes collide
Embracing the differences in us
Can we hold each other tight?
With everything changing
It can be a scary place
We’re here in this together
Don’t give up ’cause of past mistakes.

What can I say but “I’m here”
And walk away knowing where my heart lies?
Tell me as you leave my side
That this isn’t our final goodbye….
I don’t want you to see the pain in my eyes.

Lie to me so I can find the truth
Get me to believe that you haven’t betrayed.
‘Cause no matter what I do
I can’t keep you
From slipping away.

The first letter is to me and then in unison thereafter.

July 31, 2009

Hello Hollywood -

Don’t know what to say …. where to begin …..  in a way, I don’t want to begin …… but, I like beginnings …. just not endings ….  One week down on a new journey …. a quiet journey ….. but a journey that must be taken …. not all that I have desired in life can I have or should I have ….  but how thankful I am for the sometimes small things I have had ….. the happy times I have had …. maybe you too ….. happy, positive, exciting, dreamy, yet at times … poisonous things …..

I smile today …. not because of what I can’t have … but because of what I have experienced …. i have new fond memories of fun times, laughing times, quiet times …..

I smile today …. not because I don’t care … but because I do care about what I experienced ……because I am a caring person and because I really stretched myself in new ways.

I believe in Mountain top experiences….  I have experienced a few mountain top experiences …. although very different than this …. mostly the personal experience where I would travel to a new place and experience a culture or place or event that would be challenging to leave…

We had a mountain top experience …. I didn’t expect one and that made it even more special …. However, like a mountain top, I had to come down.  I needed to come down.   I wanted to come down.  Sadly, I am off the mountain, but I smile today.  The experience left me with many new ideas, dreams and thoughts.  I have no regrets and I never meant to hurt.   I know that leaving a mountain top can be painful if I only look at it going down.  I choose to look back up at it and see the rainbows that now hover above …. i choose to see the sunsets that remind me of shared moments …. i choose to smile and laugh, childlike, at the memories …. i have heard that so often we live our lives in chains, not even knowing that we have the key to release us…  i lost some chains through this experience … and feel a new kick in my step (see my jumping up to “both” sides and doing a click of my heels, LOL)….  i will miss the mountaintop, but i can hold tight my memories and use my experience to shine brighter, to love deeper, to lead stronger, to live louder …..  thank you … thank you for showing me more of myself than i realized was there …. thank you for the respect you showed, although you couldn’t always relate …. thank you for leading me into new adventures, although i can imagine that you feel i took you on the adventures (sorry for the sunburn – see my cheezy smile) …. thank you allowing me to talk about things i have never dared to speak about – with anyone ….

dare to stand, albeit physically alone, yet united in mind, to see the mountain sunset and to … smile …. sighing for a moment about the sadness of not being there … but happy that we can say we were there … happy that the experience has hopefully left both healthier, not weaker … brighter …. not duller …. happier and clearly not sad.

i don’t know how to end today, which is true of most of my life.  i don’t like endings, but beginnings.  i don’t like goodbyes, but hello’s -  so ……

Hello Hollywood ……

July 31, 2009

So, I guess it’s safe to ask you – all things aside – have you thought of me?  I know you’ve expressed yourself sort of poetically in your first email today how you possibly made me feel, but never a real direct approach how you feel or have felt about me.  Do I cross your mind?  Is this smooth sailing for you? I guess what I’m searching for is that you may have felt the same way as me….and if not, nevertheless an honest answer will suffice.   Don’t say what you think you need to say….say what exactly you’ve felt…..It helps the one door that I have opened for you close so that others can open and I can walk through without hesitating.

I will cherish our times, and I will hold it in a special place in my heart….a time I will not regretfully say I’d love to relive over and over again…..as simple as it was, and miniscule…it was wonderful!  And although I write poetry, and seem like a hopeless romantic from just the way that I write, I must inform you, I have never gone as far as saying the past sentence to anyone……if only I could say it in person when parting.

July 31, 2009

email never seems to show the voice inflections that one really needs to get the message across – or the laughter in one’s voice – or to show the puppy dog face that you do so well….

yes, I have thought about you and will continue to do so… however, i have refrained from allowing myself to text, email, send smoke signals or send airplane message banners (like the last one eh?).  It has not been all smooth sailing, but I am not just a fair weather sailor.  I look more at the overall experience than the moment, which is why my mindset is usually so upbeat …

there is no doubt that we will cross paths – probably sooner than later

October 17, 2009

Hey there. I know we’ve both been keeping our distance and contact to a minimal, which we know is for the better. I try not to email you (personally) anymore or as often, nor text or call. But, sometimes a fleeting moment passes me by and I sing a tune….I laugh out loud….or I’m embraced by another’s hug…..those times I’m reminded of you. And speratically, with those fleeting moments, I quickly, and almost incognito-like (LOL), I let you know through a text or an email such as this one. Ha ha, it’s pretty pathetic I think of you so very often, but you played, maybe not a long part, but a very important role in my life – you were like my role model. And that being said, I found a song that really is glued to my heart, right next to where your memory lies in my heart. I’ve come across quite a few songs in my life, and only have a couple that really meant something, such as “Broken” from Lifehouse. That song to me is amazing, and it even has more meaning b/c I guess I was listening to it a lot when taking those evening strolls and sometimes you’d drive by stopping me from listening to it midway. I came across a song called “Already Gone” by Kelly Clarkson. It touched my heart personally b/c of the dramatic orchestrated strings, and a plus with great lyrics. I hope you take time out to listen to it sometime. I dedicate it to us. I think the song is very much mutually bound (as if I gave it to you and you could give it to me). This is my last song to you. I know your life is full of amazing and wonderful things, and you can’t ask for anything better…..but I hope, in the back of your mind you think of this song from time to time, and keep me sacred within your heart for a lifetime. I hope you enjoy the song…I did! Take care my beautiful friend.

Anonymous Author wrote:

“If Moms have all this time to sit there and wait, why don’t they just take their kids to the school house? Why sit there like an asshole causing problems for people that have to get to work!!!! Would it kill you to take your sunshine all the way (can’t be that far with all the schools around here) to their school? Oh I know, your sunshine doesn’t want to be seen getting dropped off by Mommy. So YOU do what THEY say and then when they have guns, get pregnant, etc….you blame everyone but yourself. Who is the parent these days? And would it kill you to get your sunshine to hustle across the street, there are people waiting!!!!!!!!!!!! They move slower than molasses!!!! And while I’m at it, have them dress a little better. Why are you parents dressing your kids like they are going to summer camp? Do these kids own mirrors? I know school is no fashion show but jesus christ, they could dress a little better! And what are they eating? Fatties galore! I’m staring at slow moving Diabetics and you mom, don’t care. What a shame! I hope you have good insurance, cause when your sunshine is in high school, be prepared for high blood pressure, high LDL, etc…
And to the other poster who said moms wait with their kids from bullies like him, child please! You think someone is going to take Fattie. NO ONE wants your stinkin’ children!!!!!!!!!!!!
And to the poster who said the buses are a waste of money–he/she was right! All this for sub-standard test scores. Fat and dumb—what a combo! Ew!”

———————————

I replied:

“To the last post:
Amen to (most) of that! It’s unfortunately the truth.

But you ask why people are turning out this way? I’ll tell you why! Because I swear it’s all a governmental conspiracy. Rules, laws, lawsuits, schools….everything that the government can dabble into. It’s always something that gets twisted as we further move along as a society because some way, shape or form another easy lawsuit over stupid shit is waiting to happen – and that’s only talking about one section of this. For instance, look at the parent – child relationships anymore. Crap, you can’t even discipline by mildly spanking your own kid or verbally threatening them to take away priveleges when they misbehave without them whining to the local authorities or suing you for child neglect. The parent winds up in jail! I’m just scratching the surface here. We have been led to believe that the government has all the control, so we give a lot up to them to decide our fate and those of our children. I see it unfolding with my own eyes….this generation and the ones following have been led to breed ignorance. It can’t always be helped and some of it is out of our control because like I said, we’ve given up the power to the government. So we can’t help how the schools teach worse and worse each year by not teaching the values of common sense or common courtesy – so as a parent you have to step up more. Another, is that immigrants and single parents of multiple kids from different fathers seem to continue to get a “free ride” by the government while hard-working citizens, who try to not do wrong for their life can’t get that same break that they do. I guess in the whole spectrum of things, I believe in the conspiracy theory because more and more of that is just going to breed ignorance, in which I think is the government plan, so it will leverage them to have the power. Who knows…..maybe we are headed to be a communist country.”

So, with that said, two weeks later I’m suppose to do a ride along with that said officer and it doesn’t happen.  Who knows why.  Maybe he wasn’t working.  Although I didn’t get a chance to do a ride along with said officer, I still had a good time with Officer Josh Peto who I was assigned to.  Unfortunately, the weather was of poor condition, so we didn’t get too many calls except for domestic disturbance or firework disturbance and couldn’t run radar too much in the rain.  But that gave me the opportunity to meet a few police officers, which included Rob Rocarek.  We got the chance to at least watch the fireworks and chit-chat.  One thing I won’t forget about the police ride along on a call is helping a K-9 service dog who got hit by a car.  I hope that he made it through.  Now, the decision is if I want to pursue being a law enforcement officer.

To experience first hand what police officers do, you may request a police ride along at your local law enforcement agency.  Restrictions do apply.

Everyone says that I “have time”.  What does that mean?  No, really, what does that mean?  Does it mean that I have time to find true love?  Does it mean that I have time to find my ultimate career?  Does it mean that I have time to find my place in this world?  Sure, I’m young – that’s what makes it worth time to put in the effort towards these goals.  And sure, things can happen in an instant where I can be living on top of the world.  I’m not denying the likelihood.  The only thing is that later time becomes, the less likely I can look back and say, “look at what I’ve accomplished toward my career”, or “look at how your father and I have met [such and such] years ago.”  I DID try a lot of different avenues within the same field of expertise, and I have dated countless times, which only a few have led me to believe that it was “the ONE this TIME“.  To my dismay, nothing has come of any of it.

If I want to base this on emotions, I can very well do that, but I’m not going to.  There is a real meaning basing it on logic.  Although, the truth in logic is gut-wrenching to say the least.  Lets talk about LOVE - the “falling in love forever” kind.  Oh, how wonderful and delightful that sounds.  How awesome I’d feel to have that in my life!  How a grand rarity to feel that way towards someone and have it mirrored back by your partner.

………………………………………I’m scared it will never happen for me.

It hasn’t happened yet in my predominant youthful years.  I had the few so-called missed connections that one of us felt strongly about the other but it wasn’t reciprocated back and, as I’ve mentioned before, I had the couple of those that were the “can’t live without you, don’t want to lose you, want to be together forever with you” type.  My thoughts are tainted because those two didn’t last.  But even so, falling in love may not be out of the question for me.  It’s just the matter of when.

Here comes the logical analysis:  the older I get, the less chance I have.  Okay, so you know that statistic and many of them that branch out from that, like children, divorce and family values.  But how about looking deeper at aging?  Age plays a very important role in our lives.  When we are younger we want to be older  and when we are older we want to appear younger.  We want to be older so that we can be taken seriously, to be filled with wisdom and experience.  We want to be old enough to drive, smoke or drink.  Nevertheless, accepted and respected for who we are and what we can achieve, and not hear, “you’re too young” or “you’re too little” that we thought were such foul phrases back in the day.  We want to be younger to have our vibrancy back, the energy and sometimes to have the lack of experience to work less harder.  We want to be young enough to be attractive, to catch up on times lost or do youthful activities.  Nevertheless, accepted and respected for who we are and what we have achieved and not hear “you’re too old” or “you don’t have what it takes anymore” that will or has struck a nerve.

………………………………………I’m scared that I’m living in between moments.

If I become too old by the time I find true love, I really can’t appreciate the beauty of youth with that person.  Our young soft skin pressed against one another, the energetic glow we feed off each other and the days of our innocent youth is by far gone, leaving us only to size up the person we’re with before we commit our hearts fully and unconditionally.  Also, there is less of a chance that I can actually say to a room full of beloved friends and family that it’s my “20 or 30 year anniversary”.  I’m not getting any younger!  I might not ever get a chance to know what that feels like.  It isn’t a huge deal, but I do often wonder what that must feel like as I know a couple of friends of mine just reached their twenty-something anniversary of either knowing one another or being married to one another.

The same thing goes for a career – much is the same!  As an individual, we all have a relationship with our career – second to none!  What we dream, what we desire, what we hope to do, what we want to do….a lot of thinking comes into defining that, and a lot of what we do outside of it is planned on or based around our particular career.  I need to plant my feet somewhere and have been trying really hard to plant them somewhere I can call home.  It’s not as easy as it seems, especially when J.O.B.’s are popping off the pages left and right at me almost as if shouting “take this job, it’s not everything but it’s something”. I try not to fall into that trap knowing it will be just another vicious cycle of mediocrity and damnation.  I put a lot on hold for my career path and I haven’t found a loophole yet.  In this field it is much of who you know, not what you know that gets you in the right places at the right time to get the rightful acknowledgment.

So, do you or I really “have time” to joke around about time?  It isn’t a game – it flashes before your eyes and before long enough, time is up.

It’s a Monday afternoon and I’m sitting here at the Jensen Beach causeway with a pen in one hand and a Subway sandwich in another.  With one family to the right of me under a pavilion and three bums under another pavilion to the left of me.  Hopefully one of the bums don’t try to bother me….either b/c I’m female or b/c I have food – it usually happens one way or another.

I must say it’s pretty nice out (in the shade that is) – that’s why I’ve decided to come here.  I had to get away from feeling like I was a prisoner of my own home.  The reason is b/c I lost my job again!  This will be my fourth job hunt in the last two years I’ve moved back to Port St. Lucie.  So, the job market hasn’t been too kind to me.  But then I think and rebel against the whole idea about the interview process.  I don’t know why I’m letting others determine my value and my worth at these dead-end jobs.  And if I keep going to different  ones with my vast experiences and not putting them into one company, how will I ever get ahead or move up or be an asset?  Unfortunately, It isn’t as easy as it seems….heck!  Not as easy as it use to be.  The economy is hurting and unemployment is at its all time high (since the depression).  Many of those who have jobs have to wear many hats b/c of the company downsizing and it’s expected of an employee to do this without a raise or much of a raise at all.  Almost as if employers brainwash the employees to think there is no way out or if there is nothing better.  Like the employers are playing that victimized card, when in actuality, it’s the employee that is the victim of the middle class world.  So, what do I do?  Complaining isn’t going to help, only action will.  But do I have the time to spare to enter into my dream career?  Do I have the financial stability to move where that may lead me?  That is the question!  Another JOB looks like it’s in the horizon [sigh].

It’s been a few weeks since I written a personalized post.  On February 19 a dear friend of mine had passed away.  Not a close friend as I only began to get to know her less than a year ago, but definitely worth getting to know more if she had more time.  Her name was Mary Cliggett and she was 62.  She was not at a tender age, that’s for sure, and she didn’t like doctors much.  About a week before her death, she had a stroke while eating lunch with her sister-in-law.  She was emitted into the hospital and survived the stroke.  Unfortunately, like most strokes, she was paralyzed on her entire left side of her body.  She had stated in her Living Will that she didn’t want to be on life support of any kind, which included fluids by intravenous, antibiotics or physical therapy.  I know neglecting vital medication after something like that can be a death sentence.  Did she know that too?  Why didn’t she just try to live?  I then get confused where her soul will go – heaven or hell?  A very grey area.  It’s not like she took a gun or a knife to herself or jumped off a building to commit suicide.  But she didn’t exactly die from a natural cause, as I believe if the stroke was suppose to kill her, it would have.  She knew she was going to die if she didn’t receive treatment.  I understand she didn’t want to be a vegetable and that is why she had that in her Will.  But she was sitting up communicating as best she could and seemed well.  Then three days later, after not moving much or getting physical therapy as recommended, she got pneumonia and died quickly afterwards.  The hard part is that I was there at her bedside when she took her last breath.  I came in, gave her a picture and put it next to her bedside and then she was still.  She wasn’t moving beforehand, but do you ever get that feeling that suddenly the room isn’t as heavy or the stillness is even quieter?  That’s exactly how it was, and not too many moments later, the nurse came in and said she just passed.  She was at peace.  I was grateful she was not suffering anymore, yet I felt like she allowed herself to die.  How do I cope with that as a friend….a human being…..a Christian?

If that wasn’t hard enough, I had to say goodbye to my long time and first time pet cat named Galaxy on March 1, 2010.  I always joked at those people who literally say that their pet is their best friend and there was nothing like him/her – a one-of-a-kind.  But as time came and went with my beautiful grey tabby feline friend, I realized more and more that is very much the truth.  I’ve had two cats since I first got her, and although they are good cats, they cannot compare to Galaxy.  Maybe it’s b/c I got her as I just entered my teenage years and needed a different sort of bond.  I think she knew it too!  I can’t remember when I really had to be upset with her….and the only time when I had to tell her not to do something, was when she was being too loving to me or someone else by getting in their face or sitting on the table where we ate.  That is not bad at all!  I’d give anything to have it that simple again.  She was like a pet dog.  I’d call her name from another room and she’d come frolicking down the hallway.  I’d tell her to speak, and she’d meow.  She played so heartedly.  Then, just shy of her sixteenth birthday, she was diagnosed with kidney failure.  For a month I didn’t give up on her….for a month she wasn’t ready to leave this world.  But one day came, I laid down and talked with her and tears just suddenly started rolling down my face.  I felt it was God and her speaking to me.  I saw her look at me for the first time in a long time with tears in her eyes as she meowed a low long grumble of sorrow.  I saw it and I felt it that she was ready to go home to God.  The following day she was put to rest.

Below is an email to my family the following day after her passing.  It describes the emotions I felt along with the events that took place at the time of her death.  There, you will know how hard it really can be to lose your pet….you best friend….your child.

Email to Friends Titled “My Heart Hurts”:
I’m not one to want to endure pain or pessimism much, but when I do, I always find my way through it.  I don’t fear that.  I only fear how long I will endure it….how much time do I need to feel whole again….and is the world going to be patient enough?  I want the hurt to be done and over with, but I can’t just pretend that I don’t feel anything….I’ve done that before and it just doesn’t work.  I tell you, as I told other friends that I can deal with it, sounding so nonchalant about it….but in reality, I’m just trying to be strong in front of you and in front of many b/c you all are strong.  I say that I can deal with it, but to be quite honest, it seriously hurts….I feel like I can’t handle losing two precious things in my life, not just in about a week apart, but watching it with my own eyes.  It sounds pretty pathetic that I’m hurting more today than I did last week.  Perhaps, it’s the emotional roller-coaster this past week, or in part-truth, I loved my cat like she was my child.  She WAS my baby.  I basically saw her come into this world, and I watched her leave this world.  The first shot (the sedation shot), she was still standing…..I put my head on the table, I couldn’t bear to watch…until she actually mucked up enough strength to lay right next to me before the sedation kicked in and the second shot that made her go.  I had let her go.  Instead of me comforting her, she was the one to comfort me!  Like she knew it would be hard for me.  I don’t remember a time where I’ve felt so much for something.  I can’t remember a time I’ve cried this hard for something that I love.  Even one of the small things that crossed my mind, is that, I can’t remember a time where my nose hurt so bad from using tissues b/c of crying rather than a cold.  I don’t know how to end this email……I don’t want to continue writing sad b/c it may make you sad…..I guess, I just don’t know what to do.  It’s past midnight and I just can’t fall asleep.  Guess I could call someone…anyone, but part of me doesn’t want to be a burden.  I know that, like anyone, you’d say positive and encouraging words, and perhaps, throw in some biblical messages in there to remind me that God is with me.  I know.  I know that he has something planned for me.  I know that he will strengthen me.  I know when I got home and fell to my knees he was there listening to me.  But, it’s still painful.  However, I do believe my grievance just proves that I’m still alive and appreciate the lives that have come and gone in mine.

I do thank you for taking the time to read this, and I love you.

Many Blessings!

Below is a poem for a loss of a beloved animal

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak 
And pain should keep me from my sleep, 
Then will you do what must be done, 
For this — the last battle — can’t be won. 
You will be sad I understand, 
But don’t let grief then stay your hand, 
For on this day, more than the rest, 
Your love and friendship must stand the test. 
We have had so many happy years, 
You wouldn’t want me to suffer so. 
When the time comes, please, let me go. 
Take me to where to my needs they’ll tend, 
Only, stay with me till the end 
And hold me firm and speak to me 
Until my eyes no longer see. 
I know in time you will agree 
It is a kindness you do to me. 
Although my tail its last has waved, 
From pain and suffering I have been saved. 
Don’t grieve that it must be you 
Who has to decide this thing to do; 
We’ve been so close — we two — these years, 
Don’t let your heart hold any tears.

 

 

 

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