Married Men Attracted To Single Women – Still Wondering Why?

What is it about me that attracts married men?  I attract them like a juicy steak for a watering mouth.  How am I enticing the magnetism between us…there forbidden desires….their taboo nature?  Is it only sin of the flesh?  Is it something I’m projecting, or can I not take full blame of their choice to commit adultery?

The taboo experience is everything any human is drawn to.  The sheer thought of being so good for so long we feel we owe it to ourselves to be bad.  Thoughts of ripping each other’s clothes off, clasping our bodies so tightly and wondering how all that will be manipulated with the power of a warm and passionate kiss.  In the end though, we are only driven by our own selfish needs of promiscuity.   At least for the one who is married….

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It is hard to admit, but I am not ashamed to take responsibility that I’ve fallen into the trap of practically loving a married man.  Now, before I’m judged, I want to say I didn’t go looking for it.  I’ve always been the type to despise men, in fact, who has or will at any given moment if prompted to betray his wife’s trust.  I certainly wouldn’t want to be in her shoes, let alone be the other woman.  The other woman is never a priority, nor loved (usually) the way he loves his wife, and most likely gets the heartache in the end, because it usually does end when the guilt hits us right between the eyes.

I leave a lot of things up to chance.  We are taught to take chances.  This time though, I let it control my every move.  The husband was everything I was looking for in someone.  Whether it was in a partner, a friend or a coworker – he was one body, one soul, one person who possessed it all.  To me, that is a wonderful thing to go to one particular source instead of many to feel at home and at peace.  I was just glad to get to know him for the person he is, and became flattered yet naïve that someone – anyone can see me for whom I am and what I can become!  I appreciated his compliments as well as his criticism because I knew it wasn’t the least bit to hurt me or to undermine me for the sake of him feeling better.  He did it because he cared where I was going in life.

We started to talk more between every moment we could give to chance and write emails back and forth of nothing but positive experiences.  Almost like he took the place of a best friend I had lost….like a best friend I never had.  Someone I can confide in and be honest with.  But, I guess some things are too good to be true, for either one of us.  Somewhere along the line, between a conversation and a glance, we began emotionally getting more involved with each other.  Something I’ve always wanted to have a connection with a man, and yet having emotions towards another woman is what every married man fears to be an end to their marriage.  I’ve realized emotionally getting involved is meaningful but more damaging than any physical fulfillment.

He’d show up at random places that he knew I’d be at, or drive by where I’d usually take my walks – sometimes stopping to join me.  That’s when I knew!  When I knew he was starting to fall for me by the pure desire of knowing we couldn’t have each other happily ever after.  I knew we were crossing that line, and how I fought it so bad in my head, on paper, out loud and in person!  Who was this girl I was becoming to accept this behavior from a married man?  Who was I to accept mine?  Oh, how hard I tried to pretend I didn’t feel anything in return.  How hard I turned from him.  I wanted to touch him, though.  I wanted to caress his fears away….I wanted to wash away our guilty pleasures and hold him in my arms when he felt lost.  I started to think, “Why should I deny myself of that?  Deny what is real, as it is, right in front of me?”  And so, I simply gave in.  I was tired of battling what my heart was telling me.  It wasn’t my head – I waited for a while to make sure it wasn’t…it was my heart he touched.

A family man.  A grown man.  A wise man.  A well-recognized man.  A lot was at stake for him.  And I was the single woman who pulled at the strings of his heart appearing to have no sense of reality.  But I wasn’t oblivious – I just kept silent.  I may not have been where he’s at yet, but I certainly and respectively tried to understand.  We didn’t physically do much of anything, but I shouldn’t have let it go as far as it did.  The long walks talking about deep seeded aspirations and heartaches.  The holding each other, each one of us taking turns laying on one another’s chest or simply texting flirtatious verbiage.  I had a choice if he was too weak to make a decision, and visa versa.  It continued for about a month, but we both knew it had to stop.  I wasn’t being the person I knew, and neither was he.  For a while, he was the only answer to my desperation for acceptance and love.  And his big heart was determined to love indiscriminately and variably towards me.  But however we felt, all of it superseded our Christian values.

Now that you heard part of my story, it may be understandable how I fell into an inappropriate relationship when I was vulnerable, and for he to pursue what he’d normally wouldn’t but I was innate to him.  It happens….it’s forgiven…and undoubtedly short-lived.  But the question still remains.  What is it about me that attracts married men in the first place?  Before the “getting to know” one another.  This wasn’t the first time, it isn’t the only one, and I’m sure it isn’t the last time.  I know, however, it was my first experience and will be my last with a married man.

6 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this issue with such elegance and truth. I too am a married man magnet, and don’t go looking for these type of relationships. I realize that REAL love is not based on secrets kept in the dark, but a real, honest and open love that can be shared with not just the two involved but with everyone. I would like to know however what I an doing consciously or subconsciously that sends these men straight to me. Lord show me ME.

  2. I reckon its to do with her aura. She giggles with some sort of innocent shyness. She lights up when he makes eye contact and his heart is receptive to that. They spark each other’s curiosity and She is also physically the type he fantasized about. She became supportive and genuinely looked after his interest, as he does hers. They were honest to an extent. He is married, She is unmarried. They respected certain boundaries unspoken…she tells him stuff she is not suppose to or hasn’t told anyone else, he opens himself to her … There is generally a reassuring trust between them. Then there is the Wife…in this case a high flyer career smart woman, heart of gold, financially responsible and an excellent mother to his boys. A wife loyal to a fault. A wife physically similar to the unmarried friend her husband has become found of. The wife is from a reputable family and wealthy. His wife was and is a friend from day one, not an ex girlfriend, but someone he chose amongst plutonic friends as a trustworthy companion. They have not had issues that remained unresolved, they love their kids and spend time together but when his wife got pregnant and he was posted out station he met this New lady in his life. The New lady became his listening ear, she gladdens his heart… (At this point I blame the guy for being selfish) they tried to stop but never did. He fought it off as infatuation from the start, he even cut her off to see if they were mere urges that would fizzle out but it never happened that way. They have not gotten physical after 4 months, although they’ve held each others hands he’s piggy backed her. They’ve flirted…she speaks of his broad chest…he speaks of her body.he can’t get by without seeing her at the office. She tried to stay away but she just keeps coming back. They don’t want to get physical but emotionally they seem stuck. On the other hand a jealous ex boyfriend is lurking…she hasn’t told her ex about the new married fella at the office…it needs to stop…it has to stop…it’s not fair on his wife and he knows it…less so his little boys and bun in the oven…it’s killing him.

  3. I am an African American woman . I have been in a relationship with an Italian man for 7 years ,his wife is Italian also.he told me he was married when I first met him. I didn’t want a serious relationship with anyone and didn’t want to commit to anyone .I never call his phone early in the morning or late at night cause I don’t want to give his wife a reason to ask him who is he talking with and I don’t want them to argue about anything. I never ask him to leave his marriage because first of all ,I knew he was already married and with his wife before we started dating because he was honest enough to tell me before we started dating. I told him that if if he leave his wife because of me that I will stop dating him cause I don’t want to be the reason of him devorcing his wife even though all of their children are adults .I DO NOT respect women who knowingly that the man is married and still with his wife but yet the mistress want him to leave his wife,those type of women are very selfish.when we are together and his wife calls,I tell him to answer her call and I am totally quiet in the back ground. He has spoken to his wife through the years many times on the phone when I was laying beside him .he wouldn’t answer his wife’s calls when we first started dating because he thought it would make me mad,he said he didn’t want to answer her calls,I told him it was perfectly OK for him to answer and talk to her in front of me and reassured him that I wouldn’t say anything or make any noise at all so he could feel free to speak with her,at the end of the day ,I’m a woman just like she is .in 7 years we only had about 3 arguments ( well actually i was arguing by my self cause he wouldn’t argue back and he just stood there with his car keys in his hand starring at me like i was crazy) lol.and NONE of pur disputes was ever about his wife,his children or his marriage .We’ve only had small disagreements. He is such
    a sweet ,caring and calm business man with lots of class
    about himself .I will NEVER ask him to leave his wife .WOMEN STOP ASKING OR TELL MARRIED MEN TO LEAVE THEIR WIVES. I know I’m wrong for dating him however , I didn’t want to commit to anyone shortly before I met him and still don’t want to commit to anyone and he’s already committed to someone else so I don’t have to worry about him asking me to commit to him.whenever he shows signs of jealousy over me concerning other men,I remind him that I’m NOT his wife or his woman and the result is that he calms down and we are back to normal again
    We are very attracted to each other.He’s so gorgeous, sensitive ,good looking and intelligent.he treats me well and has never hit me and has never even yelled at me .we haven’t had an actual argument in the 7 years of us dating.
    There have been times that we both tried to stay away from each other because we both know we’re wrong but it’s not easy .PLEASE PRAY FOR US ,we’re committing adultery .ITS WRONG ! His wife have a strong feeling that her husband is having an affair but she have no idea or clue that he’s been having a 7 hear love affair with a Black Afican American Woman .

    • Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to talk about something like this, especially that it’s still considered “taboo”, even when unfortunately it has become quite the norm in some cultures. In the time that this was going on, although mine was more of an emotional affair, I too didn’t keep him from phone calls and never argued about it. I didn’t want to be “THAT woman”. But I also knew after time went on, being that other woman was uncomfortable. It played on my mind. I started to feel guilty, my integrity was tested, and was becoming self-conscious of not only my behavior but of my worthiness. I began to identify as “second best” or “last priority”, which in turn, was truth. I didn’t want that for myself and still don’t. Although I believe it was wrong for me to have that so-called relationship, looking back on the years that have past, I can say I’ve learned from that experience. I learned that I continue to strive for that relationship that does not put me on the back burner. I realized I wasn’t OK with being that type of woman – the other woman. I don’t fault others if they don’t share the same values. We all have different ways of living our lives and what we feel is best for us. The only thing that I must say to the general population, is to never settle. If you (or anyone) is content and happy where they are at in a relationship, or whatever in life, than so be it, but if not, than it may be time to cut your losses. I truly appreciate and commend you for speaking up. It speaks volumes of your character and it takes a special kind of person to do so. Thanks again for sharing!

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