What is it about me that attracts married men? I attract them like a juicy steak for a watering mouth. How am I enticing the magnetism between us…there forbidden desires….their taboo nature? Is it only sin of the flesh? Is it something I’m projecting, or can I not take full blame of their choice to commit adultery?
The taboo experience is everything any human is drawn to. The sheer thought of being so good for so long we feel we owe it to ourselves to be bad. Thoughts of ripping each other’s clothes off, clasping our bodies so tightly and wondering how all that will be manipulated with the power of a warm and passionate kiss. In the end though, we are only driven by our own selfish needs of promiscuity. At least for the one who is married….
It is hard to admit, but I am not ashamed to take responsibility that I’ve fallen into the trap of practically loving a married man. Now, before I’m judged, I want to say I didn’t go looking for it. I’ve always been the type to despise men, in fact, who has or will at any given moment if prompted to betray his wife’s trust. I certainly wouldn’t want to be in her shoes, let alone be the other woman. The other woman is never a priority, nor loved (usually) the way he loves his wife, and most likely gets the heartache in the end, because it usually does end when the guilt hits us right between the eyes.
I leave a lot of things up to chance. We are taught to take chances. This time though, I let it control my every move. The husband was everything I was looking for in someone. Whether it was in a partner, a friend or a coworker – he was one body, one soul, one person who possessed it all. To me, that is a wonderful thing to go to one particular source instead of many to feel at home and at peace. I was just glad to get to know him for the person he is, and became flattered yet naïve that someone – anyone can see me for whom I am and what I can become! I appreciated his compliments as well as his criticism because I knew it wasn’t the least bit to hurt me or to undermine me for the sake of him feeling better. He did it because he cared where I was going in life.
We started to talk more between every moment we could give to chance and write emails back and forth of nothing but positive experiences. Almost like he took the place of a best friend I had lost….like a best friend I never had. Someone I can confide in and be honest with. But, I guess some things are too good to be true, for either one of us. Somewhere along the line, between a conversation and a glance, we began emotionally getting more involved with each other. Something I’ve always wanted to have a connection with a man, and yet having emotions towards another woman is what every married man fears to be an end to their marriage. I’ve realized emotionally getting involved is meaningful but more damaging than any physical fulfillment.
He’d show up at random places that he knew I’d be at, or drive by where I’d usually take my walks – sometimes stopping to join me. That’s when I knew! When I knew he was starting to fall for me by the pure desire of knowing we couldn’t have each other happily ever after. I knew we were crossing that line, and how I fought it so bad in my head, on paper, out loud and in person! Who was this girl I was becoming to accept this behavior from a married man? Who was I to accept mine? Oh, how hard I tried to pretend I didn’t feel anything in return. How hard I turned from him. I wanted to touch him, though. I wanted to caress his fears away….I wanted to wash away our guilty pleasures and hold him in my arms when he felt lost. I started to think, “Why should I deny myself of that? Deny what is real, as it is, right in front of me?” And so, I simply gave in. I was tired of battling what my heart was telling me. It wasn’t my head – I waited for a while to make sure it wasn’t…it was my heart he touched.
A family man. A grown man. A wise man. A well-recognized man. A lot was at stake for him. And I was the single woman who pulled at the strings of his heart appearing to have no sense of reality. But I wasn’t oblivious – I just kept silent. I may not have been where he’s at yet, but I certainly and respectively tried to understand. We didn’t physically do much of anything, but I shouldn’t have let it go as far as it did. The long walks talking about deep seeded aspirations and heartaches. The holding each other, each one of us taking turns laying on one another’s chest or simply texting flirtatious verbiage. I had a choice if he was too weak to make a decision, and visa versa. It continued for about a month, but we both knew it had to stop. I wasn’t being the person I knew, and neither was he. For a while, he was the only answer to my desperation for acceptance and love. And his big heart was determined to love indiscriminately and variably towards me. But however we felt, all of it superseded our Christian values.
Now that you heard part of my story, it may be understandable how I fell into an inappropriate relationship when I was vulnerable, and for he to pursue what he’d normally wouldn’t but I was innate to him. It happens….it’s forgiven…and undoubtedly short-lived. But the question still remains. What is it about me that attracts married men in the first place? Before the “getting to know” one another. This wasn’t the first time, it isn’t the only one, and I’m sure it isn’t the last time. I know, however, it was my first experience and will be my last with a married man.